a comedy bit

[NickFlanagan]

I liked the concept alot, actually. I think the right approach to an idea like that could be hilarious. Combining Legend of Baggar Vance and Green Mile is a funny idea. I think if anything you could stand to pile on a couple of other movie stereotypes...maybe Kazaam(just a random idea).
I also think 'tastes like gonnorhea' is a funny thing to say but I didn't really think it fit where it was...the racist golfer was OK, but I think he could stand to be exaggerated even more...and I think baggy pants not helping his people should be made a bit clearer. I hope this wasn't too critical. I really want to learn how to write hilarious bits myself. Thanks for sharing this.

[cbreez0101]

smjmcomic,
um 'it sucks' isn't what i would consider a decent critique. MisterTee is the first regular with the balls to post an entire sketch. Let's try to do better than 'it sucks'.

My critique:
First off, much love for posting this. I enjoyed it and laughed out loud a few times. I really like when the golfer kills the mouse for no good reason, and then baggypants resurrects it. I agree that you should expand the part when he's ignoring his own people. Also, maybe you can include some cheesy part where the golfer wins a tournament in a come from behind, against all odds, underdog fashion, with baggypants' help? then golfer gets all this glory and women and baggypants is content eating mush under the bleachers.

anyway, enjoyed it a lot, keep it coming! the only way to make it as a writer is to write ALL THE TIME!

cb

[MisterTee]

I want to thank all of y'all for taking the time to read the sketch and write your critiques.

bingolong, thanks. (I know it's longer than your average post, it's a sketch brother)

cbreez0101, I'm taking those suggestions, especially the part about Baggy eating mush under the bleachers, or a variation on that. Is that considerd stealing material?

That's interesting that y'all want to see this Baggy character skip out on black folks more. I could have him walk past a black worker whose suffered a serious injury to heal Nick's paper cut, but that's the same variation on the first bit.

sjmcomic, how was I "playing the race card?" You mean by having a comic skit about racism and alluding to race in a skit? Should all the characters be white? That first comment you made was more helpful. "It sucks" really helped me find all the flaws it the material. Seriously, though, I did feel this bit is "not fully realized" but now I've got some good ideas where to go with it.

I wrote it cuz I'm tired of these type of movie like Driving Miss Daisy and others with a black companion whose sole purpose is to help a middle class, healthly white person. Will Smith could be doing a Spike Lee film as a dramatic companion to his action films. Instead he does BAGGER VANCE!?

[Jennifer]

cbreez0101,
I agree-constructive criticism only allowed here-Mistertee had the courage to put this up-we must repspect that and give him props by giving honest but constructive feedback!!

[smjmcomic]

Yeah I feel like a jerk



When I post my act you guys can have a field day with me

[Inkblot]

MisterTee,

There's definitely balls in posting your poetry man. Anything in the right hands with the right delivery has the potential to be great doesn't it? And I do mean anything...

I'd post and reply more on these types of subjects but like my unwavering stance on not taking too much advice or do-this and don't-do-that from other folks, no matter who they are, to heart it's then hard for me not to go that route here either by replying with opinons or constructive criticisms.

Each and every person, including me, who says "I liked this part" and "you could better this here" or "don't quit your day job" is looking at it from just one perspective, their own, and that doesn't hold weight for shit and will cloud and destroy your work if you pay too much attention to it, as good-natured and from-the-heart as it may be.

Again everyone, I'm not saying turn away all ideas and input from others here, as much as it sounds like that and which I can more than see it could sound like that. I'm just saying don't ever worry too much about what others think of your work or ideas because if it feels right to you, yes you and only you, then it's where you should be with it. Someone out there will get it and be moved by it and that's what matters. You can't please everyone and you shouldn't ever waste your time trying.

If I was drinking a can of Dr Pepper, which I really love and enjoy, and I asked the guy sitting beside me to take a swig and see what he thinks and he says it tastes like shit and I should really think about switching brands do you really think I'm going to take his advice on the Pepsi Challenge? Fuck no... I'm going to finish-off my Dr Pepper and go about my day, looking forward to my next delicious can of Dr Pepper with baited breath.

Listening too much to other folks and taking too much heart in it is how folks like Hitler got his clan going.

Keep it rolling Tee!

Inkblot

[bingolong]

Inkblot,
But if I drink a Dr. Pepper before they release it and I'm part of the test market, and a whole bunch of people say this product taste like shit then you might want to go back to the drawing board.The point being Mister Tee did not create this for him, he is trying to get this on Chappelle Show not for his own personal stage act etc.[/i]I agree wholeheartedly with what you are saying as far being true to yourself[/i] but in this case Tee's trying to get paid as a writer for different aspects, different people.He is writing for broad appeal so in order for someone to pick his work he better dot the "I's" and cross the "T's"
Besides that's what this forum is for isn't it?

[Gareth]

Inkblot,

wow... anyone that can go from "dr. pepper" to hitler in 5 seconds deserves a lil recognition i guess. hahaha



gareth

[Inkblot]

bingolong,

Yes, this board is certainly for that and more, and it's great that it's here, but my very unpopular point is, stage act material or not as you are always aiming material at a broad audience, makes no difference if it's 10 people or 100,000 people, no matter what the medium, all you are basically going to get out of each individual is their own personal varying degrees of opinion, depending on the day of the week it is and the mood they're in at that specific moment. One person wants the white guy to be a drunk, another wants him high on crack, no he should be mentally ill. It never ends... Art, of all genres, is always a work in progress and is never really completed.

I've had people absolutely hate my material and other people who can't get enough of it. Then there are people who enjoyed it but didn't really hate it or like it and so on. They may offer me advice on how to better be me or write and present my material differently than how I write and the bottom line is is it's going to always end up being me when all is said and done.

I'm not saying you can't learn a little here and there from other folks or take some advice or even some constructive criticism, which has to be one of the worst oxymorons ever devised, I'm just saying it should be extremely limited with what you do take in or incorporate and you should never let it step into your mind and take control or your work will suffer.

It's the leading reason why nobody really is all that original and the originality, the real originality that sets them apart, that they once had was snuffed-out early on because they're doing what someone else wants them to do or compromising their material too much by doing so.

I may not be able to put into the correct words where I am coming from on this or what I am trying to say with all of this but I truly believe it. Always have, always will... And it's just how I personally feel about it and no one else has to think or feel this way if they don't want to. But if you do get what I'm saying good for you!

Look at me, I'm saying take advice with a grain of salt and then here I am giving advice on not taking advice. See how fucked up it is?

Inkblot

[Inkblot]

Gareth,

Yeah, I guess Hitler wasn't a very big fan of Dr Pepper so fuck him, his swastika and his stupid hairdo...

Inkblot