a confession

[b.dolan]

i ...
i have a confession.

my girlfriend and i... have this... thing... that we do...
its more of a ... you know... its just more of a ... fetish? i guess the word is fetish
and we're not even really like that or any thing you know we dont like ah
have gag balls or nipple clamps or ... rope ... for any reason?
its not that kind of...
situation, most of the time.

i was raised Catholic.

but anyway thats not the point the point is that a couple months ago;
we're both kind of just trying to make ends meet,
trying to buy a house and all that
so a couple months ago she comes home and she says 'I got a job'
and we were pretty happy you know
but she had like a look on her face
and i was like

'well... what is it whats the job?'

and she was like 'well... its a job... you know'

and anyway long story short she got this job
at the mall
20 hours a week
and she had to like
wear this costume
this big cell phone
with her face like where the screen would be... like where the numbers come up you know
and her arms stick out the sides and her legs and theres a big antenna going out off the top of her head like...

and at first i just kept telling her

'no. no. absolutely not. thats degrading. thats awful i cant imagine what those fucking kids must say to you..'

but you know she insisted... and she wanted to do her part and what not because she hadnt been working for a few months before that

so whatever now a week or two goes by and im not convinced
so i decide to surprise her and go down to where she works
and i go to the mall and i come around the corner you know,
no big deal
and there she is...

and this is the first time i'd seen her in... in the cell phone... and she was passing out fliers
and smiling and trying to talk to people that were just kind of shrugging her off for the most part...
and for some reason
it was like i was seeing a new person
a girl i had never met before
she was ... radiant... in a way that i cant really explain
and i approached her and started to... kind of hit on her
as if we were strangers
and she somehow went along with all this
acting like she was handing me a flier,
speaking to me in conversational tones
i know now its because her boss was watching
but somehow this all made it more... exciting

the next thing i know i was talking dirty to her
right in the middle of the mall
people walking by...
in the same conversational tones,
eyeing the flier in my hand and not seeing it
saying the most detailed... filthy...
things...

anyway we started making out
dry humping really
i remember squeezing her big plastic 3 button as i jammed my tongue down her throat
and then the manager came
and the mall security
i remember a little kid looking totally shocked

we did it like fuckin... pigmies that night... right in my car in the parking complex where security dropped us

but the trouble was, they didnt let her keep the costume
and she was pretty much blackballed in that mall after that
so now we find ourselves...
this is embarassing...

we find ourselves paying off stock boys
searching dumpsters in strip malls
propositioning teenagers with buckshot acne besides stack of milk crates while they dump
trash barrels of liquid down cement drains her waiting in the running car me wearing dark sunglasses at 6pm acting like a heroine addict living in fear of narcs with rat whiskers & name tags that say manager...

'hey kid... kid cmere man.

look i know this sounds weird, but my kids got a project at school
he's gaurunteed to win the career day parade if I can just get him
Ronald McDonalds' overalls and the socks... i've already got the shoes.
huh? yeah its for his career day. yeah he is a funny kid we tell him to aim low,
can you help me or not kid? look nobodys gonna know. how much money
you gonna make here this week? how about...' how about...

i dont know why
something about it
when she dresses up
its like... im there with the thing... im there with a cell phone... with a better hot dog
it makes me feel alive.
i tell her not to look at me while we do it
just to look at the ceiling
and she recites the talking points...
she talks like a commercial that cant see me
and we love each other
and love each other

and in the evening of tomorrow we will be together
cruising the strip mall with our love in the backseat
with only money to pay for the finer things in life.